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323 deaths attributed to modern sporting rifles; 195,000 deaths due to medical malpractice.... Well, looks like that makes ObamaCare 603.7% more deadly than an assault rifle.
Administering medicine to a toddler should be an Olympic event.
Bring me pizza and beer and me love you long time.
If I have a son and he ends up having a bigger pen*s then me, does that mean he inherited his pen*s from his mom?
Girl you should sell hot dogs, because you know how to make a wiener stand.
Beer vs Women: Beer would never put you in the friend zone (unless you can't afford it, oh wait same with women).
Hey negative people; The only thing I want negative in my life are pregnancy tests.
My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.
Look lady, if you don't want me staring at your ass in public, let's go back to my place.
Hey fellas what's that called when your wife wakes up horny? Never. It's called never.
Screw coffee, I want whatever this happy singing bird is on. Times three.
Wifey just text to say she's landed and is looking forward to a romantic dinner and some lovin' tonight. Wonder where she's going?
To those who have recently unfriended me on Facebook, Kudos to you for uncovering the fact that our friendshipwas just a ploy to have sex with your sister.
Anything I say or do before i've had my coffee doesn't count.
Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it
If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
One of the rare feelings of happiness in this world is not to feel your stalker's existence.
When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I look at my phone.
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