Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've completely replaced sex with food. I had a mirror installed over my dining room table.

   Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.

   it's about time the majority of those people who opposed Marijuana have finally died. . .

   Jimmy Fallon's monologues are weaker than a mixed drink at a strip club.

   Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

   Patiently waiting for the Pro zac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!!!

   Calling Justin Bieber gay is an insult to Freddie Mercury.

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.

   How much does Morgan Freeman charge to narrate a sex tape?

   Yes I am that one ex she doesn't want the world to know she ever dated.

   If you don't like what I am playing.. I can play mmm Bop !

   Everyday I'm shoveling. - Winter 2014

   If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"

   I am convinced that Kellogg's works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......

   If your boyfriend can't bench press you then you have a girlfriend.

   When I get home the first thing I'm going to do is rip my wife's panties off. Because they're too small and the elastic is killing me.

   "She must be shy" is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

   If you don't die at the end of your Facebook movie, I'm not interested.

   My left butt cheek fell asleep. I'm half-assing every thing I do at work today.

   Give a man a gun he can rob a bank.Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody