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Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds. 
I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Sochi Olympic officials announce construction is complete and the facilities are now ready......
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That's somebody's daughter.
I love it how doctors show you pictures of smoker's ugly lungs and non smokers healthy lungs when technically both sets of lungs came from DEAD PEOPLE.
Did you know that if you listen to Billy Ray Cyrus's "Achy Breaky 2" backwards, it's still sh* t ?
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Not to brag, but I'm pretty amazing at smacking asses
So when do we start calling this the Second Great Depression?
Looking for Ivan Drago at the closing ceremony.
BREAKING: Jimmie Johnson just won the 2013 Daytona 500....
He thinks taking a selfie is going to the bathroom.
What is worse than lobsters on your tennis court? Crabs on your balls!
KISS announced that they will not be performing at this year's Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame ceremony. Oh well. Hopefully we'll get a killer performance from the other inductee Nirvana.
The worst thing in life is smiling at someone who doesn't even worth a kick in the crotch.
Bought a blowup doll today but I won't blow her up til tomorrow. Don't want to seem desperate.
Laser tag is for pussies... "Taser tag", now thats a manly kinda sport.
Took a smoke break...... Came back inside to watch the Daytona 500.... All of the cars changed paint scheme..... Wait, what? Huh?..... Have I drank that much????? Rain delay dumbass....last years race..... Slowly walks back outside for another smoke
Like most Northerners, as the weather warms,,, I worry about the structural integrity of my igloo.
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