Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It pays to network: today, take time to call up every one of your business associates and just tell them that you love them.

   Please hold, your call is important to us. Not “hire more operators” important.. But like “if you need to hang up, that’s cool” important

   Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”

   Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years

   I’ve set my “life goals” to stuff I’ve already done so literally every day now I’m overachieving. It’s all about perspective.

   My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments to make them look crazy.

   The closest I've come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.

   “Friendzoned“ should be a relationship status on Facebook.

   I'm amazed at the high cost of meat lately. I went to the grocery store to buy a beef roast but sadly discovered that they don't have lay away.

   Please lets stop making stupid people famous and financing their stupid lifestyles.

   If someone mistakenly Ass dials you then technically it's considered a booty call.

   A zombie friend of mine entered the NY city marathon,,, And if you MUST know,,, Yes, He came in dead-last

   A woman who was shopping at my store today called me a "Living Doll"..okay she actually called me Chucky, but.....

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat, drunk, stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   To My Future Wife: When I die, I want you to mix my ashes in a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so I can tear that ass up one more time.

   Can someone please unfriend me ? My friend count is on an uneven number and it is making me anxious.

   Trust me on this one. Ever notice when first meeting a woman the first thing she does is size up a mans crotch. . .

   Justin Beiber hates being told she's talented, and I can sympathize... I hate being told she's talented, too.

   At my funeral, I want you guys to read my jokes... That way, everyone feels a little bit better about me being dead.

   You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk. . .