Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Don't forget to provide love and support to someone that has absolutely no interest in you today.

   When I told you you were good I actually meant for nothing.

   My 3 year old son just told me he was still tired after his 2 hour nap. No DNA test needed here Maury.

   My morning prayer: Coffee, please gimme the strength I need to do stuff and put up with sh*t"

   What does Obamacare and Obama's NCAA bracket have in common? They are both busted.

   My new French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex. She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   I had a nightmare last night where no dogs would let me pet them. It was awful...

   Miguel Cabrera from the Detroit Tigers signed a 300 million dollar contract... He's worth more than the city of Detroit!

   if someone else is in the picture with you why do some people still call it a "selfie"?....that's a "groupie"

   How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we'll call it "ENJOY YOUR LIVES"

   Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drink get colder. Music gets louder. Night get longer. Life gets Better.

   "She's so ugly, how does she have a boyfriend?"... Maybe she has an amazing personality and her boyfriend isn't a judgemental c%nt like you.

   Kentucky just knocked out 3 of last years Final Four teams back to back to back. Nothing funny about that!

   My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.

   If I'm ever in the hospital on Life Support, don't just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.

   Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your cell phone without asking first.

   The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.

   People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics

   Everything's on sale when I'm broke.