Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

   If by "brighten your life" you mean I set you on fire than yes I here to brighten your life!

   The only time I'll ever need an intervention is if they name a beer after it.

   Bail me out of jail, so I know it's real

   At what point does the amount of abnormal in your life become so great that abnormal is your new normal?

   I'd like to be more than just friends... how about enemies?

   I decided to weigh myself this morning when the scale said "Lo". I was ready to get all excited when I realized it just mean the battery! Ugh!!!

   You say lonely I say home alone with an opportunity to masturbate

   My wife was all “Let’s try role playing” but now she’s all “Listen here, ‘Farmer Brown,’ I am not putting on a sheep costume.” SMH

   Nice guys finish somewhere other than in your hair.

   If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.

   It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of unpunctuality.

   Cop: Why do you have a lighter if you don't smoke cigarettes? Me: Sir, you never know when you might need a fire.

   how do mexicans cut their pizza... with little ceasers

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   Sad to say but WWE is coming to the end....

   If you talk more than you think... That's a huge problem.

   licking cheeto dust off his fingers counts as foreplay, right?

   Why do fools fall in love? Because smart people know that, odds are, it will end horribly.

   If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..