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Some crazy mofo in face paint and arm bands just crashed through the Pearly Gates and power-slammed St. Peter. Badass! 
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
This vacation ain't nothing to write home about.
Underestimate my crazy to activate my crazy.
If the conversation gets too serious and uncomfortable, take your pants off.
Just remember that you don't own anything that won't burn.
Be generous with time! Use as much of it as you can by telling people to get the f cuk out of your face!
Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.
My research has shown that girls with shaved-off-and-drawn-back-on eyebrows tend to be more confused by a push/pull door than a 5 year old toddler.
It's almost 2015, why don't we have hoverboards yet?" he typed into a pocket-sized device that can do everything.
Some people fight for their instincts even stronger than they fight for their principles.
I wanna make a t shirt with hitler swinging a baseball bat and FDR in umpire gear saying 3 Reichs you're out
how do Mexican's cut their pizza?? with Little Caesars
The barista at Starbucks gave me a free Mocha this morning! Must be a follower...... Facebook fame is finally paying off!
I find it ironic that I watched the movie "jobs" (about the creator of Apple) on my HP computer running windows 8.1..
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
I bet the beeps the Malaysia search crews are hearing, are old sailor's pagers that fell overboard... them batteries lasted forever.
I always wonder if somebody's feet will be dirty after running thru my filthy mind all day
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait... Regular or Asian?
Let's face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
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