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"Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah,one of my Facebook friends has 189 likes on photo and yes she is half naked I think she is ready to go pro." 
I'm starting to think I might be a Vampire. If I got stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake I think it would kill me
I've have met everyone's mother today via Facebook
Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom's on Mother's Day because that is what they are going to look like!
I just saw a commercial for Ramen noodles on the Food Network. Now that takes some balls...
the 60's Batman and Robin were the brave pioneers of tight spandex pants ... blazing the brave trail for what would become the new and trendy fashion adopted by today's people of WalMart. Thanx Batman and Robin
I beat 2048 today. Just goes to show that a little procrastination can still get you where you need to be.
I wanna thank my mom for being there for me when I needed money for drugs & beer.. you're the best!!
20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel.
Boobs are nature's antidepressants.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet. It says "Probably just sh*tfaced"
This police sketch artist has no idea that he's about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Let us all heed Vanilla Ice's advice on a day like this......"Word to your mother"
Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.
A Rape Whistle.....But for unwanted conversation.
*removes underwear *pees *gets back on scale
It's like my nana always used to say: If you really hate him that much, just marry him and then get fat.
Wishing all Mother’s, secretaries, nurses, teachers and any other gender/profession dominated by women a special day and/or week!
No I feel fine. I just don't feel like coming in today.
I am taken best with a shot of whiskey.
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