Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you suffer from Feelings and Sh*t, Alcohol might be right for you....Don't ask your doctor, Just do it.

   According to bookkeeping, I'm broke

   Women. Always want to be choked at the wrong time.

   I'm convinced you're an idiot but I can tell you're not aware of this information.

   $764 for a round trip airline ticket. I hope they don't go broke giving me 3 ounces of Sprite and 5 peanuts!!

   what are these feelings you speak of?

   The best part about work is leaving.

   My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.

   How are you still single ?? - people who don't know me too well

   Not to brag, but it's 8:35am and I haven't had any alcohol yet.

   This vodka tastes like it needs more vodka.

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......

   Which wine pairs best with murderous rage?

   50 shades of can't stop drinking.

   Dating tip: Never let your girlfriend know you’re good at something you hate doing.

   Just read that Kate Upton is an heir to a billion dollar fortune... Finally a reason to date her...

   Apparently it's Monday today and it's sunny outside. Thanks everyone for that invaluable piece of information

   Two silkworms raced each other. They ended in a tie.

   It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row.