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Not now, I'm busy bringing shame to my family on the internet. 
Thought I wanted love. Turns out I just want a tattoo.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I'm the only party guest.
"Omg, what a cute baby. He's adorable. Makes me want...oh never mind he's crying now bye"
Have you tried wrapping your feelings in a tortilla?
I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy's house, with a gas can and a lighter because he didn't respond to my text.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans
BOSS: In my office, now! ME: *to myself* dont be about Facebook dont be about Facebook BOSS: We've had a sexual harassment complaint ME: Oh thank God!
Wanna know about people you don't need in you life? Post something with a misspelling and see how fast they "must" correct you
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my "funny" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
WTF Domino's, a cookie pizza sound way better than chicken with $hit on it!!
The O.J. Simpson chase: The slowest whyte Bronco since John Elway.
Another phrase/saying I do not understand : Some people are real a$$holes. Is that any different from a fake a$$hole. . .
I often wonder about people who say : Feels like I am wearing a diaper. I am curious is that something they practice in private. . .
who cares when the next full moon happens
October 13, 2000 was the last full moon on Friday the 13th. The next will be October 13, 2049. Check your facts SULLY.
Sometimes you can get noticed by using wit and charm. Other times, stare in their window. Staring in their window always gets you noticed.
I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.
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