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Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start. 
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
3 billion people with a collective IQ of 9
Anywhere in the word that is UTC-5 or less will get a full moon on Friday, Sept. 13 2019. So the next one isn't 2049..... Just sayin...
Wayne Gretzky's son has opened a Parmesan cheese factory and it's ranked number 1 in the world.......He will now go down in history.....forever known as, "The Grate One"......
If you call it Starbs one more time I might just totes murds you.
10 minutes or it's free guarantees are not always a good thing. Take ball pube trimming for example...
Happy Triskaidekaphobia Day!!! and a full moon to add to it
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I Woke up so excited this morning when I saw World Cup listed on my Tv .Imagine my dissapointment when I found out it was soccer and not quidditch.
Friday the 13th would be a lot more frightening if Jason chased you down in a big SUV and made you pay to fill it up with gas.
Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Do you ever start writing a status and halfway through you’re just like “nah”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
A speed bump but made out of my ex.
Yes today is the first full moon on a Friday the 13th in 14 years. The next will be October 13, 2049...blah blah blah #STFU
Name your pet python Strangles cause its fun to to say "Oh that's just Strangles being Strangles" when he's strangling stuff
I've even started lying about my age on the treadmill at the gym.
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