Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

   Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Mind if I ride in your midlife crisis?

   Kendall Jenner bought her own apartment for $1.4 million and I'm out here struggling to buy a Naked juice for $3

   "Aggrevation", "Sorry", "Trouble", "Outburst". I think Hasboro knows my relationships.

   I have witnessed some of the greatest friendships forged over a blunt and I have also witnessed some of the fakest friendships forged over a bible.

   Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $700,000 EVERY DAY! That’s $29,166 per hour. That’s $486 every minute. That’s $8.10 every second. WHY DO WE KEEP MAKING IDIOTS RICH & FAMOUS? WHY OH WHY LORD?

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the Chief or Police is always bl@ck.

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the fat kid always plays catcher.

   However lonely you feel, you’re never alone… There are literally millions of bugs, mites, and bacteria living in your house.

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.

   Honey, I did the cutest thing while you were at work. I renamed "My Documents" folder on your computer to "Our Documents"

   Some of my strongest friendships started with a blunt

   You call it “binge drinking” I call it “making up for lost time when I could have been drinking” drinking.

   I like people the most when I'm by myself.

   How much for the love drug? Sir, that's chloroform

   You can always tell how wealthy a black dude is by how much white he wears

   maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.

   "I don't know what youre talking about, he's nice to me" - somebody in the eraly 1940s Germany, talking about Hitler.