Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Hello? Hey, sorry for calling so late. It's Dorothy. From the internet. Facebook. Sorry, I just... was that status about me?

   You do not scare me ugly little black french fry.

   Imagine someone trying to tell you really bad news, but behind them all you see is a midget chasing a butterfly.

   Sorry I can't make it to your event. I came down with a bad case of I hate you.

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.

   There was a spider in my truck so I very carefully turned my hazard lights on and drove off a bridge.

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy

   if I hang bat stuff all over my "man cave", will I have a "bat man cave"? .....Alfred, get me a drink

   If news about a movie being made upsets you, why not work out your anger by getting out your oils and painting a masterpiece.

   I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs.

   I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.

   Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by disagreeing with the wife.

   why do blind people smile?

   The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.

   Explain the rise and fall of the Roman empire. Use both sides of paper if necessary.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will be far away from me with your bullsh*t.

   'Rough day. Better make it a double.' - me at the cat shelter.

   Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?