Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My favorite in-laws are the ones that don't exist.

   pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law

   If I get murdered at any given time...my chalk outline will be holding a beer.

   Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.

   Well well well, if it isn't the girl who escaped from my trunk.

   Anyone who isn't schizophrenic these days isn't thinking clearly.

   I couldn't afford to visit the zoo, so I went to the trailer park instead.

   Imagine how much pride you'll feel being eaten by lions.

   My analysis reveals that, via his crafty use of the double negative,,, Ray Parker Jr was, in fact,, afraid of *some* ghosts.

   I was wondering if I go on a Banana diet, will I end up throwing my feces like a gorilla does. . .

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

   Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.

   "If anyone here knows why these two should not be married speak now or-"......*Admiral Akbar rises*...... "IT'S A TRAP!!!..."

   Tomorrow is "Drag your ex behind your car to work day".

   Pro Tip: If you're on the bus,, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.

   sometimes I wonder if I'm being selfish using my voice to just sing in the car instead of saving the music industry

   I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.

   I hate it when people make words come out of their mouths

   There may be a bunch of Princesses that follow me... But only one I'd fight dragons for.