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I'm no race car driver, but I haven't killed anyone this week. Yet... 
anyone else having technical problems on Facebook? Just checking before I call 911...
Oh no, you're not going to try and cheer me up, are you?
Breasts are like a model train set. They were originally meant for children, but fathers always want to play with them.
I got to work late this morning, so I guess I'll have to leave early to make up for it.
I better get some sleep. These spiders aren’t going to eat themselves.
not sure who is the bigger ahole the guy who uses a blinker and dosent turn or the one who dosent use one and turns.
Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.
There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity,,, it's the definition of parenting.
Shhhhh! I can't hear about how God spoke to you! I'm busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Hey Spotify, safe for work does not translate to safe for my masculinity when Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me, goes blaring through the shop. It probably didn't help that I knew all the words and the dance from the video either.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
Dude! Just watched that show ghost hunters and dude! I definitely need to figure out how I can get that time I wasted back
Smokey Bear just celebrated his 70th birthday. Smokey bear is 70. Can you believe he's that old? Smoky says he puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them!
Facebook. The lost and found for people. . .
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
No Grandma, EBOLA is not a new perfume from Kim Kardashian
No, the tear drop tattoo doesn't mean I killed someone. I just like people to know that I'm sad when I'm sober.
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