Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   Am I the only one sad that Nick Cannon and his Mom are breaking up?

   WebMD says this thing on my back is called a Wife, and, left untreated, it is usually fatal.

   When I want to break up with a person, I wait until they're sitting in my car, then I press the button that disables the passenger air bag.

   Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit.

   I know they say cell phones have more germs then toilets,,,,,, But I'm just not tasting that much of a difference

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   My wife just nominated me for the "would it kill you to refill the ice trays every once in a while" challenge?

   Only if humans respected each other's private space as much as wild animals do.

   Not to brag but, my beer would never wanna "Take a break" or "See other people" or ask to "Go through my phone"

   Can’t believe how dangerous the streets are becoming. Just this afternoon I stole an old ladys handbag and punched someone at a bus stop.

   We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   I don't wanna be lonely. I just wanna be alone.

   I don't think marrying your best friend is such a good idea. Specially cause you're human and he's a dog.

   THIS JUST IN... Isis has announced they will start targeting Golf courses... and Obama has decided to take up shuffleboard.