Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm playing a girl in fantasy FB this week, I have to pick up ray rice, he gives me the best opportunity to beat her.

   "Filmed in front of a live studio audience"? I guess thats better than in front of a bunch of zombies.

   If God gave you a good singing voice you should sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice you should sing loud in church to get even.

   Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody's throat.

   I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

   I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.

   Still haven't cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different

   I don't always get erections at Burger King. But when I do, their a whopper!

   "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.

   I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds

   There's already four people camped out in NYC waiting for the new iPhone, in case you weren't sure why the terrorists hate us.

   Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

   No means no, except through duct tape. It sounds a lot like yes.

   If I hit my breaks hard, automatically let the hazard lights go off! - future car makers!!

   I impress people by referring to my friends or followers as my "entourage" and my status updates as my "portfolio". In return, people refer to me as a "d*ck".

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   My Wife woke me up at 3:00AM for some fun. So here I am at CVS buying batteries.

   Ladies always think I'm staring at them because I think they're hot. That's not true. I'm staring at them because I'm creepy.

   My small-town police dept has 2 armored vehicles and a grenade launcher just in case someone forgets to pay for their Caramel Macchiato.

   I hate it when a couple starts kissing in front of you, and because you don't know what to do, you just join in with the kissing