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Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system. 
I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.
I'm a female so I guess my favourite hobby is being right.
My Native American name is "Sits with purses while all her friends dance."
First date idea: Stare at your phones and wonder if there’s anything better happening somewhere else.
"But what does it mean?" - WOMEN
If the N.F.L. cracked down on all the drug and alcohol abuse as well as spousal and child abuse watching football would remind me of golf.
Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.
U put songs like Anaconda on your top 10 list and you wonder why the world hatez you. - Tastless
Hey NFL, How about cracking down on all your players breaking the law? One would think a guy you're paying millions a year would be held to a higher moral compass than your average Joe.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager
If you enter a room and there's no food, you're in the wrong room.
Relationship status: Wife says I'm only slightly more useful than the T in Home Depot
My definition of RAP: Rotten Audio Products
Who else remembers having cases of CDs?? With labels like "party mix", "rap" and "Slow jams"
I met this great woman, I sweet talk her and say all the right things. She says I wish there were more men like you. I sent her a poem and she no longer wants to see me. So much for having feelings. . .
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor "Have you ever turned down heroin?" Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
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