Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*

   You smell good. You are my new girlfriend now. You have 24 hours to get rid of your husband.

   I'm pretty sure it was ISIS that put the new U2 album in our iTunes libraries with hopes that Bono's voice would make our heads explode.

   Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in one week.

   Breaking News: NFL is going to investigate the Falcons for Domestic Violence against the Bucs...

   I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

   Peyton Manning had to be a pot smoker, why else would someone buy a chain of pizza stores for. Of course, for free pizza when he is high . . .

   If a white cop had hit Adrian Peterson's 4 year old son like that, cities would be on fire and stores would be looted...

   if a white NFL player spanked his kid, then that would be ok according to the dorks here

   I knew the struggle was real when I had to use a straw to get every last drop out of the whiskey bottle.

   Sometimes you need a drunken nap in the bathroom before you go to bed. Thats all.

   How many self defense classes are required before I can date someone in the NFL?

   Hey NFL,solution to your recent problem,start allowing players to hit each other on the field again......

   Yesterday I heard a young white kid tell his mom "I hate you and you annoy me, you stupid b*tch" Then a black woman slapped me just for hearing it

   Sorry I pissed on your leg. I thought you were flirting with me.

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   Disappointed with the NFL's decision to suspen Peterson. I could see if he spanked someone else's kid, but his own?

   Budweiser tells the league to suspend Peterson, and they wonder why the NFL is failing. Who cares of aa player spanked his kid, seriously.

   Dear Scotland, if you choose to go it alone we dont want drunken texts in a few months time saying what a huge mistake it was. Yours England

   I often wonder how that happens. He looks 100, she looks 30. Oh right, money can buy you anything. Than she is not worth it no matter how beautiful she is. . .