Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.

   I wonder how many of the people who don't like that anti religion staus really go to church every Sunday and give atleast 10% of there income to the church. I bet not many

   I once dated someone who told me she was "bi". Every time I mentioned sex, she said "Bye!"

   An app that tells you how much battery is left in your relationship.

   Marry someone funny. I'm serious.

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I've been so quiet.

   So Scotland had a little case of premature emancipation. It's ok. It happens. Doesn't make you any less of a country

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have the less $h!t you have to eat.

   Girlfriend said "Do you want to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert?" & I said "Do you want to have a different boyfriend that isn't me"

   Hey kids, see that new sports car over there? Well your old man got a promotion today & got some new glasses so I also see the car. nice car

   I have never seen a funnier headline than "Apple Releases Instructions for Deleting U2 Album It Provided for Free"

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because dogs can only bark.

   The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.

   Dateline gives excellent tips on killing someone.

   I see you trying to win me over and raise you a wall

   I think the scientific term for life is, "that's some bullsh*t."

   Coworker: OK, stop me if you've heard this one before. Me: Stop.

   My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I'll just leave it there. I'm not hiding who I am anymore.

   I meant every drunken word... Whatever they were.