Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sorry I must have hit the unfollow button by mistake. BLOCKED - there fixed it

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

   Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.

   I thought Ariana Grande was a Starbucks drink.....

   Look on the bright side, the cowboys will be the first NFL team to get Ebola

   Upside to working out: Women actually acknowledge my existence. Downside: I have to learn how to react to women acknowledging my existence.

   Good Lord...Pink For Cancer, Red For Cards, Orange for Halloween, and Now Blue for Bullying! October has More damn color in it than a strand of Christmas Lights!

   not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

   If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn't be called nachos.

   I tried killing a spider by blowing weed smoke on it, now it's in my kitchen microwaving Pizza Rolls and drinking all my beer

   One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.

   911: What is your emergency?... ME: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?... 911: Is this her 1st child?.. ME: No,, This is her husband.

   Thank god the Beastie Boys fought for my right to party I'm just sitting on my couch though

   I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fu*king amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

   9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I 'm crazy. One hums ...

   my motivation is running naked with a drink around the pool ...

   I'm going to sit quietly in my room today and think about what I did

   This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

   Can some tell my wife......Crying is blackmailing Yes, of the simplest and most straightforward form.

   I don't have a "9-5".. I have a "When I open my eyes to when I close my eyes..."