Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   So apparently sex burns off the same number of calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell can run 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage

   My friends say the craziest things like "hello police" and "he's in our house again."

   A romantic getaway but, just me and your best friend.

   I'm white but not "I enjoy engaging people in discussions about antioxidants" white.

   Just putting it out there, most Americans, myself included, don't like Our governments involvement in other countries either. Don't hate the American people, it's our governments doing, not ours.

   Are you really that attractive, or is your Selfie game just that strong?

   Did you hear what happened to Willie Nelson's hair? They sold it. There was an auction this week and a pair of Willie Nelson's braids sold for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000

   800,000 bees attack, home in Texas, leaving one person dead, four injured and over 300 pounds of honey. Winnie The Pooh asks that we bow are heads in prayer.....and that we get him the address of that honey.

   Two crows got married and a beautiful family. It was the perfect murder.

   I didn't expect the friendzone to be so comfy.

   WARNING. Content on my Facebook page may offend. But I don't fcuking care

   White male, AKA inventors of nearly everything on earth...

   The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.

   In Oregon a Labradoodle was unharmed after falling off a 200 ft cliff. Some suspect that he actually jumped because of the name "Labradoodle".