Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....

   Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.

   If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....

   The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.

   The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

   It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .

   The cry of the old hyena and the loss of the young goat are one.

   Star Wars fans never get laid because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Me: Hey Boss, I can't come to work today. I'm in mourning. Boss: Oh no, what happened? Me: I killed that p ussy last night.

   Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11.

   If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.

   Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.

   I thought of going Amish once....I didn't have the WHEEL POWER to do it

   No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.

   If I've offended you, you need more help than I do.

   I'm amazed at how some people have survived this far in life

   People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.

   My lady garden could really use a nice face plant.

   I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.