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I hate it when you are in the bathroom and there is no toilet paper and you have to ask the person in the stall next to you to come over and wipe for you. 
I would like to that "The Walking Dead" for making it socially acceptable to openly talk about which family member you think would get eaten first.
Unless your baby is an Autobot, keep it the hell away from me.
"Trust me bro, she's a 10" ~ Tequilla
"Mom, why do girls rule and boys drool" "Well, dear.... there are these things called boobs"
If I see you playing drums on your steering wheel I will roll down my window, whip out my air trombone and rock with you. Rules are rules.
all I'm saying is that Left Shark better be in the next Sharknado
Its pretty cool how we cured Ebola with Measles
Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.
To spare the rod is to spoil the child.....every child needs a whack on the butt everynow and then.
No rest for the wicked. We survive on coffee and vodka.
Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some background music.
Some girl asked what my sign was. I told her it was "beware of dog" and then I dry humped her leg.
I love you like drunk people love EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY
Thought I heard birds chirping and almost threw a lamp. It's not spring yet, sky rats.
Tiger had to withdraw because he couldn't activate his glutes. Hopefully he can still activate Lindsey's glutes.
Liking your own Facebook status is kind of like high fiving yourself after a fap. Please stop it!
When God closes a door, he opens a window. My heating bill is out of control and there's a family of raccoons living in my kitchen. Please God, this needs to stop.
Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.
Nobody in the office seems very impressed that I'm wearing Pull-Ups, despite my insistence that they are "big boy" diapers. 