Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I wish I loved anything as much as my dogs loves the food I've been giving him every day, twice a day, for the last 13 years.

   What's worse than Greese on Oliva Newton John? Come on Eileen.

   Who do you think uses more pig skin, the NFL to make their footballs or Bravo to make their Real Housewives?

   Phuck the IslamaNazi's.....

   My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

   I'd like to be drunk with power but I've never even been buzzed. I'm like the designated driver of power.

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club

   WTF is with all the American Girl dolls on ebays deal of the day.... This isn't christmas mother fcukers

   PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won't make you carry them.

   If I've learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven't figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.

   50 Shades Of Grey Has This Awesome Fantasy About Some Girl Who Gets A Job Right Out Of College.

   A group of children is called a "Mucus"

   A special place in hell just for me? Aww you shouldn't have.

   Any girls out there wanna duck?

   One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.

   People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.

   I wish I loved anything as much as fat chicks love to tell people that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12.

   sticking my head in the freezer to warm up!

   Judging by these FB & T witter quotes attributed to her, Marilyn Monroe sure got smart four decades after she died.

   Hot singles in your area want to go through your trash. Never mind these are raccoons