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I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account. 
The most unrealistic part of the Harry Potter series is that Ron and Harry never once used the invisibility cloak to watch the girl wizards in the shower. That is the first thing most teenage boys would do.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
I tried to send my family tree information to Ancestry .com. They sent me back a pack of seeds and told me to start over.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website, 3 years after we got married... That was awkward.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about grains of wheat that could've become beer, but didn't.
If you didn't want her 6 years ago, why do you want her now?
I wonder if Hillary has any stains on her pants suits.
Selfie or not here I come
I would have thought that Tiger would have waited until later in the back nine to pretend he was hurt, but golf is unpredictable sometimes.
putting someones genitals in your mouth is OK, but eating a Dorito off the floor after 2 seconds is gross
If you don't post a picture of your food, does it still get eaten?
Throw caution to the wind. Throw indecision to a tornado. Throw anxiety to a cyclone. Basically, If it's windy make real bad decisions.
I don't have any room in my heart for you, but I do have space for you in my trunk.
whatever it is you’re going through, however bad or sad. just know everything is about to be okay because game of thrones is back tonight.
If your boyfriend isn't strong enough to pick you up and pin you up against the wall, you have a girlfriend
I can keep a secret like nobody's business.
People have 2 modes on facebook: pity prowling or overly offended by nothing
thinks all.strippers must have the same nick name: Daddy Issues
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever.
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