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You ever wonder why eye glasses don't exist in the future? Star Wars? No glasses. Star Trek? No glasses. Battle Star Galatica? No glasses. No one wears glasses in the future! Something to look forward to. 
If one more person posts "The thrill is gone" or "The Edge fell off the edge" I'm gonna scream. #sheeple
One more mood swing and I'll have the whole set.
Older women are why I don't like younger women.
Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Bae is short for Retarded, right?
How come MOM'S and dad's only get one day and Sharks get a whole week??
I like to wear a stethascope around my neck so that when there is a medical emergency people learn a valuable lesson about false assumptions.
No thanks 5 Hour Energy drink. Work is 8 hours, I'll just stick to cocaine.
Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo
Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.
[walking up to birthday party] Kid: "Dad, these are all the cool kids. Don't embarass me." Dad: "I hear ya dawg" *puts baseball hat on backwards*
If you don't boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Holy crap guys!!!! Only one more week until Tiffany from Facebook is in Mexico drinking with her besties!!!
"Hell hath no fury" because women have it all.
Friend: "Tattoos are so addicting" Me: "You drink, smoke, and watch porn all day. I don't think self-control is your thing"
"Do you have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting" ~ R. Kelly at the beach.
My life is a very complicated drinking game.
Just got mad at work and smashed my face into my keyboard. Looks like I wrote a new Kanye West song. 