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Thanks for the womb and board, Mom! 
Some people are weak and can't handle life so they turn to drugs. Some turn to religion.
This weekend raise a glass to your mom since you're why she drinks in the first place.
"Hit her with a chair!" ~Drunk guy watching fifty shades of grey probably
Does this "eating a lean cuisine on a Saturday night." Make me look single?
I’m pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy, because why the heck not at that point?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I'd be like omg I have a boyfriend :)
*Justin Bieber goes to jail *Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest *learns cellmate is dyslexic
Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"
I spend the first few hours of every day killing weeds in my front yard and the last few hours of every day smoking them in my backyard.
I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.
A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion but won't
This old couple kept staing at me while I was eating my ice cream cone so when I finished, I ate the napkin too!
Jerk off so hard your sperm dies of shaken baby syndrome.
Why did humans invent hell, when there are enough real things to be scared of, like emotional commitment, marriage and a woman on her period.
If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes, they're usually 90 degrees.
as many times as I've been called "that mother f*cker" in my life, I better be getting a Mother's Day card and gift too.
I've decided to become a Veterinarian and a taxidermist so no matter what, you'll get your dog back.
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