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Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in 
Catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves me and I'm going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and I should save it for someone I love.
I wrote "except zombies" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.
There's this woman I like, but I think she's gay cause she's very fond of arseholes.
Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.
Leave the horse I rode in on out of this b*tch!
A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 at auction. They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.
Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date
Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.
....officer plz don't shoot me. I'm white and won't make the news.
I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...
Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.
[news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*
why don't they have a pill to make girls vag smaller
I Love the taste of you first thing in the morning. Me *talking to my coffee
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?
I go to the gym Because deep down we all know when the aliens come they are going to eat the fat ones first.
Saw A Lady I have a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation.. 