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Cocaine so white it's head of the NAACP. 
Atheist don't hate unicorns or fairys or leprechauns because you can't hate something that isn't real. Atheist hate God because He is real.
Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.
I'm watching the same movie thats been on all week..."Complete Signal Loss"
Don't mess with me. I could accelerate global warming by a decade by releasing the methane trapped in my office chair.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
The NAACP: Now with no artificial colors.
Between Bruce (Caitlyn) Jenner and Rachel (NAACP) Dolezal I am now thoroughly convinced that I am a black woman trapped in a white mans body! Mmmmhmm! Hooooo Damn! Girl!
I don't have tattoos for the same reason I don't have children -- I'm afraid if someone tells me they're ugly, I won't want them anymore.
Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
Wait come back, I didn't mean it when I was just being myself.
Twitter is a fun, safe place to share your feelings if you don't mind being told to go kill yourself.
Welcome to Chopped. Your mystery basket ingredients are four of your exes, from which you must create one decent human being.
20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.
I rather be proven wrong scientifically than lied to religously.
Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.
It's my birthday!! These crazy woman sending me all these flowers it look like a funeral up in here
I've outsourced my LIKES, Birthday wishes and comments on your post and pics to a firm in India. So if Sanjay isn't showing you enough love, please let me know right away.
I can't wait until people start posting pics of the temperature display in their car. I'm waiting on pins and needles to see how hot it is where you are.
I think a Gordon Ramsey GPS would be great! "You missed the turn you stupid cow!" 