Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I carry a yard sale sign around with me, so when my girlfriend throws all my sh*t onto the lawn I can just sell it there.

   If I were to have one regret as a parent, it would be that I taught my kids how to talk..

   Me: Don't jump! Come down from the ledge! What are you doing up there? Him: I'm 38. Me: So? Him: And a virgin.... Me: Happy Landings!

   Sure love doesn't cost a thing. Now hand over your soul.

   Sex is great and all, but have you ever had someone scratch your back exactly where it itches?

   I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.

   emotional agony is a drug for some and they are forever in search of their dealer

   *Uses selfie stick to push your baby away*

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   I'm way too horny to be this unattractive.

   When I die people are going to be like "wait... I thought he already died like a decade ago?"

   I've met 10 people from my Facebook and only 7 of them tried to kill me or stick things in my butt

   Experience has taught me some pretty valuable lessons... Mainly, to always carry hush money.

   Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?

   I don't care of your skin color, sexual orientation, or social status. If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you. End of Story.

   Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two..

   My cat likes to scratch on a wicker chair. She likely thinks it's her guitar. I sing along because I don't want her to feel stupid.

   I'm taking my two beautiful children to Disney World. I'm leaving the two ugly ones at home.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   I signed up for eharmony and it keeps matching me up with local Baskin Robbins.