Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Episode 21: MacGyver fixes his broken heart using nothing but a lighter, a spoon, and a syringe full of heroin.

   •_•) <) )╯Tee / \ (•_•) \( (> gee / \ (•_•) <) )╯eye / \ (•_•) <( (> eff / \

   I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in May.

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.

   A blow job a day keeps the "YOU SPENT HOW MUCH?!?!" away.

   This hooker is acting like this is the first time anyone has ever pulled a gun on her. What a newb.

   Of all the things I learned in High School, how to hide an erection has proven to be the most beneficial in my career.

   I never knew my mechanic was pshchic until he told me I blew a tranny in my car.

   Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

   One assault charge and all of a sudden you're not wife material anymore.

   Don't be sad.. Someone, somewhere.. Is finding out right now they have herpes.

   Learned something new today. If you tell a girl she's a 6, she'll make up the other 4 in bed

   Kinda sucks Cinderella had to end up with someone who couldn't remember what her face looked like.

   I took a train home. Now I don't know how to get it back on the rails...

   Instead of buying all my kids' school supplies, I just bought a Staples store. Saved like four grand.

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.

   Ronda Rousy has challenged Bill Cosby to see who can knock out a woman faster.