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Vaping is becoming so popular, I heard Jihadi Johny gave it a try today.. and I'll bet it works so good for him that he'll never smoke another cigarette.. 
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
White Privilege is how Willy Nelson got his assets seized for owing $15 million and Al Sharpton visits the White House while owing $19 MIllion... OH WAIT!
Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
There are too many functionally illiterate people in the world.
You can't fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight destiny then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too.
Gf: are you crying right now? Me: *hides Adele's new album* what? hell no. Real men don't cry babe.
I thought my life was miserable until I saw yours.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
I think this midget prostitute is really selling herself short.
“This mattress looks nice…” “Feel free to test it out, sir.” *curls up on mattress and cries for 10 minutes* “I’ll take it.”
I have come to the conclusion that all women are bipolar. Thats the only sensible explanation.
Tonight's Jets/Bills football uniforms resemble my Starbucks cup.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death, but my bicycle gets stuck on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Farts are like children. I'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
I'm not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy
Son: Do I sleep on my stomach or back?... Me: Your back, that way youre ready to fight if the monsters attack... Son: WAIT ??,,What? .... ME: Night son
Hmmmm,,, "I've never been on a blind date before," I proclaimed while being jostled around in an unmarked van with a thick cloth hood over my head.
*email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right? 