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Life is about what you do after the knock happens. 
If you lived in Mountain View CA you wouldn't need the internet you can just stop by Google and ask them questions in person.
The deep freeze of winter has finally arrived. It's that time of year when most women and Bruce Jenner say thank God for padded bras.
Refusing to accept refugees is not cold and heartless. I lock my doors every night; not because I hate the people on the outside but because I love the people on the inside.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
"Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after Luke won the lottery.
*discretely cancels date with Charlie Sheen*
Adulthood is looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.
So. . . If ISIS is contained, like obama says, why can't the refugees all go home?
Most of the time my life is going great, the other times I am just sober.
My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA
With all the negativity on the internet lately its nice to Charlie Sheen is positive...
I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by religious fanatics
Me: I'm lonely Vodka: hey
The thing about a woman's smile is not knowing if she's simply happy, or because she can't wait to burn your clothes for replying "k" to her heartfelt text message.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
We should start all over again and accept only people who know the difference between ''your'' and ''you're''.
The only time I believe in luck is when a married man has sex.
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