Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Why is Kim K. like KFC? After you've finished with the thighs and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in. 🍗🍖🤑🤑😂😂😂

   A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone... 💍💍💍😂😂😂

   A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "feel horrible I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfec

   I bet the next couple of weeks is when those Ocean Spray sales execs really meet their quotas.

   My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn... Worst... Childproofer... Ever.

   When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk... I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

   I drink Gatorade when I'm dehydrated because it replaces lost sodium, potassium, and yellow #5.

   Went to my niece's elementary school field day this week... I won every single event... Every... Single... Event.

   When I'm on my deathbed, I'm definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.

   Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip

   I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress...

   Well on a positive note, Charlie Sheen.

   Well No money November is going well this year

   I think Americans need to find out who makes terrorist passports, apparently those things survive plane crashes and suicide bombs

   Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

   Always choose a proctologist with a good buttside manner.

   Dramas are for women. Rationnals are for men.

   Compliments are for women. Accusations are for men.