Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.

   Has gone from eating pigs in blankets, to becoming a pig in a blanket ! 🐷🐽🐷🐽🐷🐽

   My mother in-law is letting me renovate her kitchen. My wife told me to get the cupboards from that Scandinavian company with the short name. Turns out it was IKEA not LEGO,

   I think these wireless headphones my wife gave me might be earmuffs.

   A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?

   The first fagget that mentions a Kardashian in 2016 is getting punched in the mouth.

   I was going to wear my birthday suit today but it has been stretched out of shape and is covered in hair.

   I just tried on my birthday suit. It is stretched out of shape an covered in hair.

   "Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy.

   "Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi

   Christmas. It's been a long 2 1/2 months.

   I hate being sick at Christmas. My wife says I'm not sick, but I was just jacking it while looking at a picture of a fat nun pissing on a hot schools girl. How is that not sick.

   Woooooo whoooo!! Just got an email from mark zuckerberg's secratarty stating that I just won 4.5mill all they need is 3k from me to release the funds, just sent them my banking info , Aruba here I come!!! suckkkerrsss!!

   It's hard to believe in evolution, when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

   I dream of a Kardashian-free 2016.

   MY GOAL FOR 2016 IS JUST DO LIFE BETTER!

   athiests are awful quite Xmas morning

   Almost time for "New year the new me, 2016 is mine bull$hit. Your life sucked last year and it will suck again in 2016

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus; then I saw her helping him empty his sack.

   Santa came down the chimney, at half past three. W