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I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent. 
What's the age cutoff for bringing chicken nuggets to dinner because you don't like the food?
Sex and Coffee. What more is there?
For those of you who consider yourselves to be workaholics, I feel for you. I, too, know what it is like as I struggled for many years while hopelessly addicted to workahol.
its all fun & games til you see a picture of what you looked like in 6th grade!
154 U.S. Walmarts are going to close, reducing their total number of open checkout lanes by 6.
Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).
If you don't star the tweet you can't have any pudding... How can you have any pudding if you don't star the tweet!
Are physical events truly individuated on the basis of spatio-temporal localization, or is this merely a convenient ontological mode of evading the influence of causal powers?
I just went to print out last nights Powerball numbers to see if I won.... and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.
My friend told me Alan Rickman had died. I said "You're joking?". She replied "Nope. Dead Sirius."
Do strippers in the southern hemisphere spin around poles in the opposite direction as strippers in the northern hemisphere?
RIP Alan Rickman! By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged!
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.
I knew I had about as much of a chance of hitting a lotto last night as getting up and running this morning. That's about the 0%.
I just checked my account balance at an ATM and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.
I shared the status of the power ball winner. I won!!!!! Nothing....
Crap, only missed the Powerball by 6 numbers.
I hope the lottery girl pulls out my balls tonight....
Undercover Boss: Where you tell the world your boss is a moron, then he buys you a house.
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