Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   I miss the days when I was smarter than my parents.

   You wanted Obama's birth certificate...well we want Sarah Palin's High School diploma

   Eating beans and an egg salad sandwich...this silent treatment from the wife should end in roughly 2 hours.

   I can't believe America has become Fascist Country.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just loosen all the jar lids and keep the silence going.

   "No thanks. I'm a Vegan." Is always a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish" but they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird?"

   Oscars so white, Xbox Live wont let them be a player BLACK ops

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just tighten all the jar lids. That way she'll HAVE to talk to you.

   SpellCheck has saved MILLIONS of drunk morons, and has been the scapegoat for stupid people since it's invention.

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

   So, how is everybody enjoying the air guitars I sent them for Christmas?

   So do caterpillars know that they're going to become butterflies or do they just start building a cocoon and be like "WTF am I doing?"

   BOOP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.

   The pottery scene from Ghost, but with a gyro meat spit.

   1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.