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365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling equals 1 light year 
What one person receives without working for .... another person must work for without receiving
If there's a woman out there who wants to $exually harass me, let me know.. I will message you my cell # . . .
If you'd like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My daughter just asked me about evolution in line at Walmart.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t another worst-case scenario.
Netflix and panic attack?
How scary stories will be told in the future: “..and that's when he realized HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN.” **everyone screams in terror**
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I'm going to deliberately run into a car with a Coexist bumper sticker just to test their tolerance.
If an FB post offends you, maybe check your conscience.
Why is it that when you get a woman pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations" but nobody ever rubs your junk and says "good job"?
I think the Dowager Countess of Grantham should run for President.
Grindr had a worldwide outage this weekend, is it too late to stock up on apocalypse survival supplies?
Doctors be like "I know you're depressed so here is some medicine that causes suicidal thoughts."
They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster than that.
[job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon...
My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom
When I die,, please set my smart car free in a Whole Foods parking lot
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award,,, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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