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Laziness is the mother of all bad habits, but ultimately she is a mother and we should respect her. 
In the shower: 2% washing, 8% singing, 90% winning fake arguments.
Good to see Brian Williams is back on TV, he is now competing with late night infomercials.
Bernie Sanders talks a lot of about free government programs, he's just wondering who will pay for his medications?
If Bernie Sanders grows a beard, he'll be a wizard....
Sad to say all your friends "Friends Day" videos are now in the 99 cent bin at Walmart.
If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Sarah Palin" do not open it. It is a virus. If you get an email titled "Nude Pictures of Hillary Clinton" do not open it. It is nude pictures of Hillary Clinton.
Do people who have wind chimes know that not having wind chimes is also an option
YEAR IN REVIEW: January February March April May June July August September October November December...... *nice we did it, congrats folks
Old man Bernie Sanders looks like that guy down the block driving around luring kids in with promises of free candy...
Hillary Clinton naked. Oops. This isn't Google.
Okay, I'm just going to admit it. I'm kinda disappointed this "Friends Day" video that everyone is posting has absolutely nothing to do with Jennifer Aniston. #mycelebritycrush
I want a girl that likes long romantic walks. Because I don't have a car.
Thank you Facebook for the friends day video I just deleted 99% of my Facebook "so called friends"
[restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater
ME: Hi Mom,,, Please come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time, you're not at a sleepover... You're married.
DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°
Good to see Brian Williams back on TV all these years after he pulled me from the rubble on 9/11.
Nobody remembers who came in second. Bernie who.....?
Bernie Sanders Drinking Game: Every time Bernie mentions a free government program you drink someone else's beer.
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