Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Just in case you are having a bad day, let's think about a fat cat that's in the sink.

   Current Relationship Status: Sleeping diagonally across the Queen size bed.

   Let's see if there are an emotionally stable women tonight on The Bachelor. Nope, not tonight.

   Monday mornings: I am learning to trust the journey, wait a sec...where is my freaking coffee?!?!

   This is 2016. How come I can't email someone a fart when I feel like it?

   Fact: If the human population held hands across the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.

   I don't have a FitBit but every now and then I throw a $h!t-Fit.

   I don't need to drink to be a dork, I do it very well sober.

   Wait...you mean I can make phone calls with this selfie machine?

   You seem too lazy to file a restraining order. I like you.

   I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff.

   Made it to that level of dad where I just called dibs on the TV that I bought in the house that I own with the cable I pay for.

   We can all safely assume Cam Newton is crying himself to sleep tonight, tomorrow night, and quite possibly for the rest of his life.

   We just bought a parrot. Named it Marco Rubio.

   I need to lose 20 pounds, make $30,000 and sleep for 4 days all before tomorrow.

   Only 3 types of people tell the truth: Kids, drunk people, and anyone who is pissed the f*ck off.

   Carolina's goin' down like a Two-Dollar Ho.

   Shoot!!! I didn't know February 6th was National Lame Duck Day.

   If women wrote Valentines Candy Hearts: "Not 2nite", "Did you fart?", "Pick up your socks", "R you listening", "Oh, and another thing", and "U snore".

   Although the American founding fathers were pictured as old men many were young during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, James Madison 25, James Monroe 18, and Thamas Jefferson was 33!!! Gee, what have I accomplished at those ages?