Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily ever after. . .

   wonders when the Pope will tear down the 39 foot tall wall that surrounds the Vatican; a sovereign country.

   Thank god for the UNFOLLOW function. With one click, they stop existing in your world and on your timeline.

   In the history of earth, no woman has ever successfully changed a man yet they keep trying to this very day.

   My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...

   The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.

   Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

   So Hillary Clinton is now seen on national TV barking like a dog. I suggest that she may be preparing for "The dog ate my emails" defense.

   So Clinton is barking like a dog now... how appropriate

   Don't worry Paul McCartney, I have been refused entry into night clubs too.

   The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my Birthday, very nice. But misunderstood, when I said, "I wanna watch".

   Scream "I am worthy" until the stars collapse upon your brilliance.

   My favorite things about kids is that I'm not responsible for any of them.

   10 year olds these days running around with their iPhones... When I was 10, I was listening to Aqua on my Walkman while struggling to keep my 2 tamagotchis alive. The struggle was so real!

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

   My exercise regimen is basically just my heart rate elevating at an alarming level when I realize I'm out of beer.

   Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

   "Never let grass grow under your feet", not said by the first guy who went into the sod business.

   You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing.