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Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share. 
Why is it....Biggie and Tupac get gunned down but nobody will shoot Kanye West.
I'm beginning to understand why Syria, Raqqa 5-Star Al-Aladin VIP vacation packages are being steeply discounted....
This treadmill has no room for my milkshake or my pizza .. Lame design
You know you've reached adulthood when you pause sex when the dryer buzzes...
I've had relationships that didn't last as long as The Undertakers entrance
May everything you want this weekend be within the reach of the couch.
We are the granddaughters of the witches you weren't able to burn.
If I'm a sarcastic a$$hole when I talk to you it's either because I really like you and feel comfortable teasing you, or I really hate you and don't care if you know it. Good luck figuring out which one....
My parents thought they were naming me something unique, but really they just signed me up for a life with a misspelled, mispronounced, never gonna find it on a Coke bottle name.
I'm at the "What can I make with green beans and cake mix?" stage of needing groceries.
The term "Redneck" is so offensive....they're called "Nascar Americans".
Pro tip for the ladies: If you're taking a mirror selfie, look at the mirror not your camera...
Dating someone who didn't even finish high school is so risky, what if they leave you like they left school?
" Why are you doing this? " - I ask myself daily
Adele: Hello. Lionel Richie : Hello is it me you're looking for? Pink Floyd : Hello. Hello. Is anybody in there? Me: This conference call sucks.
I just got an e-mail from a Nigerian Prince telling me that if I send him money, he could double it and send it back to me. So I e-mailed him back, "Kanye, is that you?"
Renato Bialetti, who made the stovetop coffeemaker, the Moka Express, famous, was buried inside of one after dying at age 93.
It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....
.... Global Warming is just a lot of hot air.
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