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Survival Tip: if your wife cooks up "a mess of bacon" and puts it in the fridge, she has a plan. Do not make yourself an epic sandwich. 
Boobs don't define a woman, but they start the bidding.
I'm beginning to think my type is just a font. . .
A nap is a nap if you take your pants off.
I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I'm eating pizza alone.
After seeing Stephanie, I see why it's called "Fuller House"!
When a girl says she cares more about what's inside a guy she means what's inside his wallet...
What does a grape say when it gets stepped on?...Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
Ummm,,, So when you see a gift horse... Where exactly should you be looking???
If Nutella & marshmallow fluff made sweet sweet love & had a baby,,, I would eat that baby.. The End.
If a girl pulls out a knife on you during a fight, pull out some bread & mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in & she'll make you a sandwich
An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder. This figure translates to 57.7 million people. When they count Hillary's votes and they total 57.7 million don't say that I didn't call that...
Why the hell should I have to opt out of something I never opted in? Why should I have to unsubscribe from something I never subscribed to in the first place. This is how serial killers are born.
If you hold down the "Like" button, you can now leave different kinds of reactions and create so much more drama in people's lives who take Facebook too seriously....
Everybody always asked the wrong question "Where's Waldo?" The real question is why is Waldo hiding?!?! Was it for Child Support?? Kidnapping?? Murder??
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80's song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
Why the f*ck you buy your kid an 18+ video game and then blame the video game industry for the content?
Get chased down by 83 angry wasps or replacing your toilet paper with steel wool. You choose your awesome Sunday adventure....
My life goal is to buy white jeans and spill grape juice on them.
Who wants to babysit for the Duggars' and the Romney's at the same time?
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