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Did you know? If you see a sock on a doorknob it's always common courtesy to bust down the door and yell "Player Three has arrived." 
My doctor told me to start killing people....well not exactly in those words. He said I need to reduce stress in my life.
I hate my job but it pays for my alcohol and I need alcohol because I hate my job.
Vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you're a supreme heavyweight and it's not effecting you, & the next you are chatting up a chair.
A perfect Tuesday goal: To be the right amount of crazy to make everyone else doubt their sanity.
I love when people say "they're expecting a baby" as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Be a gentleman, know when to hold her hand. Be a man, know when to pull her hair.
After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I've come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.
Kellogg investigating video of man urinating on factory assembly line....Mmmmm pee-flavored Rice Krispees is a delicious healthy breakfast.
If Wendy's think their square burgers are so awesome, why don't they use square buns??
Love it!!! Autocorrect in 2016 still has not yet figured out how much I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.
A perfect Monday night: 7 pm -- Ahh yes Chinese food!!! 7:15 pm -- I'm so full. 7:30 pm -- Ahh yes leftover Chinese food!!!
Skip Pi Day instead it's Steak and BJ Day, I like my steak medium and my blow job well done.
It's not alright if a politician has been bought off by someone, but it is okay if they buy you off with promises of free stuff?
Vote for Bernie or get stuck with HILLARY for the next 8 years. GOP isn't winning anything
I wholeheartedly support #Nationalnappingday as a member of #allsleepmatters
There never any protests at events for Hillary or Bernie, because no one is listening to them idiots
The least I should get for paying all that money into 0bamacare, is a monthly update and photo of the person I'm sponsoring.
Why are there never any protests at events for Hillary or Bernie? Because those people have jobs and are at work.
Prayer is like duct tape. If it's not working, you need to use more of it. 