Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Women: So glad the weekend is finally here so I can wash the dishes, mop the floors, clean the toilets, dust the furniture and do the laundry! YAYNESS!!!

   America is so progressive that 8 years after electing their first black President, it's going to elect it's first orange one. I guess Netflix is right, Orange is the New Black.

   Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a Vegan the head can continue talking about being a Vegan for 8 minutes before it dies?

   The first rule of Low Self-Esteem Club is: I'm Running a test to see who really reads my wall... If you do , please leave one word response...

   Lets call SELFIES what they really are; ALONIES

   The most useless place to be is in someone's prayers.

   Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.

   When you say, "Friends With Benefits"....I assume you own a liquor store.

   There are so many dogs on the internet that we forget about newborn alpacas....

   If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are drowning and you can save just one, what kind of cupcakes are you baking?

   I'm starting to think this is the last season of America and the writers are going insanely nuts.

   I'm an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.

   Not too impressed with this years selection of Presidential nominees so I've decided to vote for one of the Mario Brothers, haven't decided which one, .... But I figure either of them are just as qualified, if not more, to fix things as the nominees.

   If I can hear you chew, just thought you should know that I have fantasized about your death.

   Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm "NO."

   Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my cat's paw and she pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

   You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper.

   As is evidenced by the primaries, Americans are either dumb or dumber

   I never want to go bungie jumping. Broken rubber brought me into this world, and I don't want to give it a chance to take me out.