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I poured his heart out and it evaporated. FML 
I'll never understand why cartoon pictures of the sun always depict it wearing sunglasses. What exactly would it be protecting its eyes from?
Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors and furniture polish contain real lemons?
Chicago has proved exactly how tolerant the left is towards things like free speech, open debate, and open elections.
Put down my club? Oh, you meant vote?........I thought Bernie wanted a Revolution?
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
I must have drank more than I thought last night...there's an entire hour that I don't remember!
It's wierd, when my pet elephant comes into the room.. nobody talks about it.
A new study found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person. For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they’re humble. If they cover it, they’re respectful. And if they just sneeze into the air, they’re standing next to you at Golde
Just the thought of you slurping down noodles really rustles my jimmy....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the club last night. I'm practically Jesus now.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making....
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying beer and a ton of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 turned out for him.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an a$$ tattoo tomorrow.
We are going to have a bake sale and the proceeds will go towards the abortion.
He held my hair back for me while I vomited in my driveway last night and I repaid him by farting mid-heave. He's a keeper!!!
I think after this Saturday night I'll be 85% lesbian.
You know your life has gone downhill when a friend reminds you tonight to not get locked in a porta-potty again.
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