Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When you're in the shower, you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, now I'll have to fight the attacker naked..."

   (burglar gently waking me)....You live like this?

   The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

   Why do bible thumpers worry about gays? It's not even in the top 10 of the commandments.

   Give a girl an inch and she'll want the other 6 too

   Today is April Fool's Day. Believe nothing, and trust no one. Just like any other day during this election year.

   There is nothing like waking up with a pedestrian stuck to your bumper

   I would like to wish all the atheists out there a very happy holiday! Have a fantastic April Fool's Day!

   The Harold and Kumar movies are probably the best Korean/Indian buddy movies ever made.

   Splenda Daddy: A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn't have the funds to pull it off.

   Dear auto correct, I really want to know what a "duck this shut" looks like.

   Thursday: I either drink coffee or I say bad words to strangers. Just a typical Thursday.

   I'm starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum might be a commercial.

   Fuel savings tip: Drive downhill as much as possible. If you must drive uphill, take a different route that goes downhill instead.

   an Australian computer network called a LAN down under?

   It's cute how any of you think you're in the tax bracket that will be affected.

   I just want America to be great again like when my dad used to pay my credit card bill.

   Regular People: "Sorry I am late. Traffic was nuts" Moms: "Sorry I'm late. My daughter's sweater was too sweater-y and the baby ate a band aid."

   A recent study shows that most pit bull attacks occur between tying the bandana around its neck and placing the sunglasses on its face.

   I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.