Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.

   The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.

   TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

   Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

   How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

   Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

   Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

   I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

   Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

   You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

   Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

   According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

   "Raccoons"? Oh, you mean garbage pandas!!!

   Dear Alcohol, we had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

   Instead of making laws out of fear that trans women are just men trying to sexually harm women, we should convict the men that are actually harming women.

   Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.

   Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house, and get a job? ...... LORD,, we were dumb.

   I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.