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To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. 
Been reading up on the
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Don’t get upset if I ask you
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.
I'll probably come off as mean when you first meet me, but after you really get to know me you'll find out that I'm actually meaner...
Rolls down car window... Throws caution to the wind... Goes home,,, Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.
Pro tip: Fall in love with someone who will treat you how Kanye treats Kanye.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
.... I'm always amazed at how drinking 2 beers translates into 5 gallons of piss ....
Obama's mic drop at the Correspondents' Dinner last night was awesome, but I was disappointed to hear he was at work this morning. Someone should tell him he's doing it wrong.
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
Was Berry White? Was Clint Black? Was George Strait? Was Marvin Gay? Sure makes Stevie Wonder!!!
If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is "I don't believe you."
I've decided I'll never get down to my original weight and I'm ok with that. After all, 7 lbs 4 oz is just not realistic.
What comes after the man bun hairstyle? The he-hive!
My friend David had his ID stolen the other day, now we just call him Dav.
"Taco Bell isn't even real Mexican food." Hey!!! I'm not going for an authentic Mexican cuisine. I'm going because I'm broke and like tacos.
Dear bill collectors, I know I still owe you....but I have some GOOD NEWS!!! I typed "Amen" on a Facebook post, and in 48 hours, I will get a TON of money. So, when I get it, I will pay you.
I'm a huge fan of screaming "You're welcome" really loud when people don't say thank you...
Laying in bed in the middle of the night trying to decide if it's worth it to get up and pee or if you can hold it in until the morning.... 