Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

   What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

   I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.

   Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

   I learned something about Prince, that doves actually cry. Hmmmm.

   ♫♪♫ If you're happy and you know it's your meds ♫♪♫

   If Prince can kick Kim Kardashian off the stage I should be able to kick her and all Kardashian nonsense off my Facebook feed.

   "Huh?" -Vincent Van Gogh................. "What?" -Ludwig von Beethoven

   Each of my teardrop tattoos represent french fries I dropped between my car's seats.

   It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... So, After doing the math, the times were pretty much average.

   I got a membership to Sam's Club and my name isn't even Sam... *lol,, These guys are idiots.

   ZOOKEEPER: As you all know, one of the penguins has somehow gone missing & we need to find it.. ME: *nervously* it's finders keepers tho,,, right?

   Happy Earth Day everyone. Suck it, Mars!

   Now that there will be a woman on the $20 bill does that mean it will be worth less than the ones with men on them?

   ..... In celebration of Earth Day, I took my dog outside and let her fertilize the ground ...

   They should put Harriet Tubman on the EBT card instead

   Happy Pretending We Know What We Can & Can't Recycle Day!

   It’s the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I went outside and stared at the ground for a little while.